Transformers.

Transformers was a bad movie.

Ok, it was good. But everybody has already said that it's good. So why not play devil's advocate and let you actually see what makes me feel uncomfortable about the film?

It's not that it didn't follow the comics, or the cars were too flashy (To me, optimus prime is STILL an big, bad red plastic truck rotting somewhere in one of my cupboards)

Nope, none of that. I am unhappy because Transformers, as a movie, symbolized yet another triumph for the geek community. And non-geeks just stare at the screen, mouths agape, bewildered by the fact that they did not have a place in that film. Of course, they can always be one of the soldiers who died in protecting Qatar. Or something like that. But I'm still unhappy.

LOOK. that movie was glorifying the geek culture in society. Let's begin with something simple. An 11th grader named Sam Witwicky, I mean, whattaname. Ok, we shall not judge by name. He has a yahoo! ID which says "ladiesman217" and yet has a personality far from being one. And he has an eBay account. And what happens to this everyday geeky boy? Bumblebee chooses him as his owner.

Subliminal messages?

Geeks drive hot Chevie Camaro 2008's?

Geeks can simply pick up the sizzling hot Megan Fox?

Geeks save the world?!?!?

AND!

If Steven Spielberg says that, then nobody can argue.

We are all lucky that George Lucas didn't tag along. If he did, Bill Gates would have already kicked George Dubya's butt out of the White House. As in, right after the movie, Bill would march to Washington D.C. and slap Dubya, and whip up some Autobot jargon... like, "Dubyatron, roll out"

But really, this movie would have gotten geeks all pumped up and ready to pick a fight, just as Rocky made us all feel we could run up some staircase and slap the consciousness out of any Italian bodyguard. But hey, Scarface made people think that Cuban accents scare off big boys. So yeah, the Fidel Castro's have waned, and so have the Rocky Balboa's. It's time for the Sam Witwicky's to rise out of their laboratories and rule the earth.

Oh, please.

Ok, I will not deny. I wore an autobot shirt to the movie theater. Yes, I was a Transformers fan growing up. Yes, I had toys, and my Optimus Prime easily, single-handedly trashed all of my G.I. Joes. BUT! I watched Transformers for nostalgia's sake, and nostalgia alone. And I have to admit, when I heard Opti speak to Sammy boy, I felt a chill run down my 21-year old spine. BUT! my shirt was bad. as in, a good kind of bad. It was gold on white.

Gold Autobot logo. Shining. Bada-bing Bada-bing, dollar-dollar bills y'all.

What do I recommend? if you wanna make a Transformers film that all fans would love, stick to the details and remove the "oh no, the robots are coming, Sam hold my hand" nonsense. Or the making out on top of the Camaro. Man, if Bumblebee went for Mikaela, she would have dumped him straight, and Sam would have simply went home and played Simple Plan or Sum 41 songs, and went on with his life. Remember, Mikaela loved cars, and Bumblebee made all the moves. Mikaela loved Sam only because of the Camaro and all the timely screw-ups and cheesy love songs. No car, no girl (yet another bad stereotype, which is painfully true at times).

Look! at least Mikaela was a grease monkey, they could really build a family around that. But Sam!!! oh my, I don't even want to begin (and yet you know I still would). They would live on the PayPal payroll, and Sam would be on the computer all day, like...

"Hey baby, I promise, I'll bring you out, once eBay item #20118645 sells. I mean, who wouldn't want the pair of boxers that I wore to BotCon 2006!"

"Sam, I wouldn't, especially 'cos I knew you were having severe flatulence that day"

So I say, all geek stuff, espionage stuff, and metal to metal sluggin-it-out sessions. No subtle I-love-robots-and-my-robot-thinks-we're-great-together-so-we-should-get-it-on nonsense. none of that.

Thanks Bernie Mac, for giving the movie some attitude. But man, Bernie got swindled out of a hot old skool Camaro. By a geek.

And that's what I'm unhappy about.

Put on some Fred Astaire, and those geeks would scratch and shrivel away. Better yet, what about my most favorite movie of all time, Pulp Fiction! A dose of Jules Winnfield would make any geek pee in his pants.



Ain't he some good lookin' fella?

Side comment: watch Shaft, by Sam Jackson. Sam at his finest.

Tarnsformers were meant to be entertaining and educational. Once a robot starts teaching a boy how to woo a girl, that's a breach of human-alien or human-robot relations. Robots, made in Japan, artificial intelligence. It's like you making your favorite peanut butter and jelly sandwich in the morning and discovering that it actually walks and feels offended if you strip off the sides of the bread (the brown part) before you eat him. Or perhaps that their biggest enemy was Goober, for mixing them up so badly in a jar, when in reality, their true strengths and flavors come out when they are arranged in layers, as the teeth sinks through the smooth brown peanut fudgy goodness, then into the cool, jello-ish texture of grape jelly.

mmmm.

OR, that same sandwich stands up and does the "Peanut butter jelly time dance". Or, it yells at you and tells you that you ain't man enough for this girl.

How'd you like THAT?

So yeah, Transformers, teach kids the right way to live. Look, you're one step ahead of Captain Planet. At least you don't wear herniating undies. Look at this edition that I found on YouTube with Optimus Prime teaching guys how to take care of their health:



Go for your prostrate exams.

So now, I live in fear, knowing that Megatron is lying somewhere in the Marianas Trench, along the Philippine Plate.

Until that day, I will do my best to protect the world from the incoming geek infiltration (Singapore, watch out. Legions of geeks are now pumped up, awaiting for orders from Cybertron to take over the world. Evidence? 1.7 million dollars in 4 days. Biggest 4 day sales ever. Goodness.)

(#^&% #$^ !@#*3 @!#@78) *weird robot sounds*

I'M OUT!!!