bizzare nausea

This is disturbingly odd. After 3 full weeks of surrounding my schedule with numbers and probability, memorizing all kinds of limit theorems and density functions...

...I feel nauseatingly useless.

Ever watched the movie "The Shawshank Redemption"? Good movie, by the way. Anyways, it's like that... Like being released from prison and then finding out that all this time, the prison has been your refuge, and what's really cruel is the world out there: Nothing to do, and people judging you because you're not doing anything. Not like the prison you were in before, everybody conforms, everybody's doing something. You gain your social status by being a part of the herd.

Of course, I'm not the social deviant that I may think I've become, but it's just painful to feel this way. Coming back from class, taking a nap, and then waking up to a scary pile of... nothing.

No panic attacks, no theorems to memorize, no problem sets to practice with. It's not that I don't like to work - throw me down to some beach somewhere, and I'll take it. It's just something about this city, the way it moves, the pace it has: it's like when you stop moving, people run you over and trample your soul, like Mufasa in the Lion King.

The painful thing is, you know you can't afford to slow down, because if you do, somebody's gonna run ahead of you, like in a race. Also hurts to know that in a couple of weeks, youre gonna be up and running once again, so why bother rusting up the old cogs? Might as well keep chuggin' and oilin' them gears.

I know I'm talking strange, but rarely do I catch myself in such a workaholic mood that I've mustered enough pride to jot this down, so that maybe one day, when I'm down at a beach in Miami, or maybe in Sentosa, or something, I can look back and laugh at the silly worked up guy I used to be.

And yeah, I passed that Actuarial exam (well, it's a preliminary pass, so I'm not gonna get too pumped about it), so I'm feeling pretty good about that. After all, that's the whole reason why I'm not taking a summer break this year. I'm still amazed at how God shows up on every step I take. Praise God, for He is the only One who still keeps me afloat.

On the flipside, 1 down, 8 to go.

Go team.

I'M OUT!!!